Held By The Trees

Our caravan makes a circle with four other trees. They hold the circle for us. There is a trine of rose quartz and the fourth holds a death / transformation alter. The canopy of branches reaches down to embrace our little home in its arms. We feel held. We feel safe.

On the second day we were here, we wanted to find a nice spot for our caravan. We thought it would be nicely situated between two other trees further up the path. After spending one night there, we woke up, put the blinds up and felt the energy of the tree outside. It was not happy. We thought that maybe it was an unhappy tree due to the corking that it had undergone. On opening the other window and observing the other tree, it also felt unhappy. There trees felt like they could drop a heavy branch on us if the opportunity of wind arose. Then the feeling came in that they were not happy because of us. It was like they enjoyed the space between them, they enjoyed being next to each other as friends, and we had just come and put our caravan there! I really felt this intrusion into nature. So we moved and thus found our sacred circle.

The big indigenous trees here in Portugal are the Cork Oak. Harvested for their cork very 10-15 years. It is a prime capital harvest from the land. When their bark is removed it is known as 'skinning'. The vision of anything being skinned invokes a sickening feeling, and I have this too with these trees. Walking and driving around the landscape, the trees are numbered to indicate which year they were skinned and to know their next skinning year. Some trees look too young for this. Many have cork taken from them above and beyond the legal line on the trunk. These trees feel so different from trees that have never been touched. Whilst out on a hike the other day, we found a few trees that had never been skinned and they looked incredible. Full, vibrant, happy and healthy compared to their comrades on the adjacent field who appeared as slaves. For some great Oaks, this is too much and they die before their time.

As we sleep and awaken each day in the embrace of our tree circle, nature is doing its work. Just by being here, I cannot help but observe at every glance the wilderness, pure wild life-force enlivening my senses 24/7. As I am relaxing into my surroundings, the more I feel the vibration of this land. Its pretty hard to avoid to be honest!

I feel held by nature I feel welcomed by mother earth, I feel invited to dive into the deep current of pure life. Real life. In saying 'yes' to this invitation, I am beginning to feel the 'oneness' that is so often talked about in 'spiritual' books and teachings. I never though this could be so true. To feel such a deep connection to the wild.

And so the trees are here. And I feel them so much. I feel their support and unconditional love.

The other day, I felt a big anger rising inside of me. This is an ongoing subject for me since about 8 months, as I pealed back another internal layer and realised that I had been suppressing my anger for pretty much all my life. So there is a lot to be released! I am learning where it is coming from, where it is in my body, what my triggers are, and how to feel and allow a healthy anger to be expressed within myself, no longer suppressing.

After shouting in a princess rage, with the deep source feeling like a patterning from the past. I sat in a huff eating an orange. I could feel the need to release arising. I felt drawn to go over to the other side outside the circle. The top of the land that leads into the valley. From here I could see far across the misty morning landscape. From here I could scream. My conditioned mind was still trying to stop me, 'No you can't do that! You can't just scream out loud, what a fool of yourself you will make'. But again I felt the land would hold me, and it did. Three large, long screams from deep inside. Over the valley, into the bushes and trees. Taken from me and given back to the land. Such and incredible feeling. It felt like nature could take it. She is so powerful here, she can take me. Here mother Earth has the strength to hold me. It does not feel the same as if I would shout at a concrete surrounded tree in a city.

The invitation was not over at the final scream. There was more. After the verbal expression, the second round of anger came in a wave of a need to express physically. I was trusting my intuition. I wanted to beat the hell out of the bushes in front of me. But I thought, 'I could not do this, this is not the 'done thing' to do!'. I did it. I paced across the tree circle to the pile of branches, found my weapon and went back to the bushes and beat them. Such rage, such force, such anger releasing from deep within. I stopped to tune into the nature, she could take it. She took it for me. She was saying 'yes' to me.

Then I turned round and beat the ground, as the branch was breaking into small pieces, I took each broken piece and kept beating until it was all gone. Adrenalin. Release. From inside I could feel doors unlocking to my seat of fire.

Then came the silence. The sorrow. Down to the ground she absorbed the tears that came from deep inside my belly.

I thanked her.

I find it hard to describe what happened. But it was pure. What an such a powerful experience to feel so held and loved. The feeling that the nature was there for me, she could absorb my pain, taking my anger and dissolving it back into pure life. 

Wow. The invitation to experience my suppressed anger I have never aloud myself to show or express for fear of being abandoned or not being loved if I show everything I need to express as it moves through me. Nature does not abandon me. My true nature does not abandon me, and with Mother nature I am guided back to experience my true wild self in authenticity. On the road to who I really am ... finally.

I am humbled by the power. I am humbled by these wise old trees that still stand here and welcome me with open arms. Inviting me to show my wild self. Letting me know I will still be loved if I show myself. That it is okay to be angry. That there is space for me too.

Nature is such a powerful force. I am drawn in. She hold me. I melt. I am experiencing natural life like never before here, and from here it will go beyond.

Love Living?

Whilst stuck in a traffic jam on the Parisian Peripherique yesterday, we gave an organic cereal bar to a man who lived in a shack situated on a patch of green between 4 motorway highways weaving around and over each other. The sides of his dwelling were an amazing collection of thousands of coloured plastic bottles. He thanked us and said he wished he had a caravan like ours to sleep in. Parisian life?

It is amazing to see the diversity of landscapes we traverse even in this small part of the world, and yet we are not the Third World. It is amazing to see how each journey of each being leads to such different outcomes. As we become just another vehicle that drives by in a traffic jam caused by yet another accident on the spaghetti highway.

Gay Paris. It felt like a threshold to break through. On Monday, we couldn't do it, because there was such a big crash the whole motorway was closed off so we found a plan B. Campsite. Take away pizza. -2 degrees. Full moon, No open toilets. Tuesday, second attempt. As we journeyed around the Peripherique with no drivers giving way to us (we just want to get in the right lane guys so we don't end up lost!), concrete square structures at every view, commercial billboards, graffiti, smoking chimneys, we reminded ourselves that this is apparently 'progress'... We reminded ourselves why we 'think' we are on this journey, although we really don't know why yet (it seems like a good idea!)...

There is is no place to breathe in this old town
There is no place to breathe between these broken walls
There is no space for me to shine,
Without time.

I don't quite know what I make of it all yet. Sure, I am sensitive to my environment, I sometimes wonder why going to the 'city' to 'make it' has never been part of my journey. Perhaps it is because deep down inside I have always known that I need love to survive, and the city environment is one that does not feed my heart with love. I find it hard to love myself when there is such an abundance of fear and 'power over' energy.

On departing the perispherical birth canal of Paris, a final glimpse was caught of the glorious city, on turning my head, there I saw her, La Tour Eiffel. Almost lost from sight, standing proud out of the top of the city-scape. Perhaps a reminder to stand tall and rise above it all.

And now as we enter in to a 5-6 day journey to traverse La France, a country I know well, a home from home, I am confronted with my present feelings. The arising memories of France I have in my pain body. Yet that girl is no longer who I am today. The last time I left my 'home' here 10 years ago. Leaving as a matter of survival. I am confronted at the same time with the hauntings of my past, which at perfect timing invite me to wipe the slate clean for once and for all. How to do this will become clear, I trust.

The arising shadows of the past invite me to remember how to keep in the present. Yet, it is hard to find my centre, my core, me in this foreign land. I am sure this is part of the bigger picture, an invitation to continue breaking my old patterns and conditioning's. Sometimes it feels like one hell of a job to do but I know I am the right woman for the job!

I am now sitting in Ben's living room in Tours, a friend of Sharon's from Holland. I see a Charlie Hebdo newspaper, French novels, and vintage crates full of old Vinyl records. I feel peace. I feel present. I feel happy. I feel so grateful for everything this life has bought me. Even when I am in my fear and sadness of everything I have lost financially and materially from my previous venture in France, I truly believe that these experiences have made me who I am today. I am grateful to be alive and I am so grateful to have been able to see through to my heart. To get the blood pumping though my veins again to find the fire for life, and really start to believe in myself. At the moment, I feel like my fire needs a bit of a stoking, but I am comfortable with that, as this fire feels the effects of the winter season coming to an end.

Vive La France! I am ready to reconcile our differences. I'm not in this 'life game' to play tit-for-tat. I am here for expansion. I am ready to be in new creation. New memories to embrace me with open arms as we venture to the Atlantic, show me your gentilless, your heart, your compassion, your forgiveness. Let down your armour and show me your true colours of amour. Sweet nectar of France and passion for life I welcome you.

Have a great day all, feel the love, feel the fire, get some more fresh wood as we are getting ready to burn!

Feeling Fine?

Inspiration for the day

It's Hair To Say ...

There is so much to write about as I now find myself at the beginning of 2015 in Holland preparing to embark on a nomadic year into the unknown. I could begin by writing a day to day account of the physical world that is unfolding around me, what we did for Christmas and New Years etc. But this is not the point of this blog.

Just as my art work has revealed over the last years to be a reflective play of my inner and outer worlds, I have a suspicion that my writings will also be the same.

And so the documentation begins ... and for some reason I am drawn to write about my hair, as it has been an in interesting process for me over the last couple of years, and given that I dreamed about cutting off all my hair again last night, it seems like this is what I need to write about at the beginning of this new journey. It feels like an important reflection to the process that has lead me to where I am now.

Pretty much all of my life I had had long hair. Over the last 5-8 years I had imagined what it would be like to have short hair and always thought I would like to see how curly it could be. But I grew up believing that having long hair was the most beautiful way to have ones hair, and sure I do have nice hair and it does look great long, but this is not the point.

Over that last 10 years I have been on an enormous transformational journey as I began to unpick tangled web of my inner being and start to reconnect the threads to my true self. How to love my self and expand into living a my life for me and in my truth. During this time I had always been afraid of cutting my hair. I think this mainly comes from my conditioning, that beauty comes in having long hair. Does this mean that I am not beautiful or feminine with short hair?

As I have become more in tune with myself, I have been facing more and more of my fears. Diving into deep internal spaces, into the dark and beyond to bring back treasures to shine light onto life.

In my art, in particular The Monochronium collection of work, I see my exploration and healing of my maiden self. The young girl in me that needed to come out and set foot into this world, unafraid of being seen. My hair was also an issue during this time as I disguised myself with black and white wigs. It felt good to change and play with my 'identity'.

In 2013, I began to feel my hair was really not part of me. I remember one night feeling like I needed to get it off my back. Like a heavy weight, a burden of the past that needed to be cut off, lighten my load. I felt like Rapunzel with my long locks, keeping my maiden self locked in the tower, away from exploring the outside world and moving into my fullness as a woman. I needed to cut of the locks and climb out of the tower ...

I began to realise that I was in my 30s and I didn't want to die without 'Living my Hair'!

I first started with some highlights and several inches off, the long brown locks that were now almost to my waist. A few months later the back needed to be chopped off, release my neck, the power point of voice and self expression. From here my hair got shorter and shorter and yet the long hair at the front still kept me safe with the impression of not having 'short hair'. Still something to hide behind maybe?

One evening I came home and I simply had enough. My hair felt a real connection and burden to my conditioning and patterning in life. I wanted to be rid of the fear of having short hair, not being beautiful, regretting my actions etc. What was the worst that could happen? Nothing!

I was on Skype with Sharon and talking with him about the struggles I had had that day and how I felt my life related to my hair. I said I just wanted to chop it off, and he asked me what was stopping me from doing this... And by divine coincidence... there was not much space between me and a pair of scissors that happened to be in sight. The next hour involved a ceremony with Sharon on Skype in my bathroom, as I cut off locks of my hair. I thought I would cry, but it felt amazing to take charge. It felt very symbolic, like crossing another boundary to saying YES to myself, facing fears and jumping into the unknown. To find the places of beauty within myself and not rely on my maiden mask that has been smothering me from being the woman that I am.

Cutting the ties of Ancestral line
Cutting the ties of Maiden vines
Cutting the threads of web 
That kept me tied in mind

Carving out a new design
Clearing a new path in time
Creating space for true voice
To express and to shine



A couple of months ago I was watching something on Youtube where a guy spoke about the negative energy we can hold in our hair. I realised that I needed to cut off the energetic years of my past that I carrying around in my hair. It feels good to know now that all the hair on my head has grown during happy years of my life.

This has been part of the process in learning to love my self, to say YES to myself and to enjoy the process of the journey. To feel beautiful despite the length of my hair, which is utterly ridiculous!

Of course people have their hair cut all the time, but for me I see how this process has reflected the inner state of being and helped me on my journey.

The most exciting thing now is that I am growing my hair and it is for my self this time. I feel my hair growing in a different way. Through choice to grow into my full healthy womanhood, in acceptance of myself and in faith of the steps I am taking in my path of life.

If any men have got to the end of this post, congratulations and thank you for bearing with me on this rather feminine topic.

Black and white Photography by Danika Westwood

Cosmic Campervanning

How did it come about that I now find myself at the beginning of 2015 in Holland, about to embark on a hippy journey with a newly purchased vintage German fire truck that has been converted into a campervan? At the beginning of the week we decided it was about time to start looking for a van to drive to Portugal with (given that we would be leaving in 3 weeks!!), Sharon predicted we would have one by Friday and sure enough we did! (Champagne celebrations). It was clearly meant to be as the number plate is even for us ... SH followed by 8, or otherwise known in more cosmic circles as, the infinity symbol! Behind it we will be trailing our rather stylish 1982 campervan so some pimping up will be needed here to make a red and white van look stylish next to a mocha-coffee campervan! What I find hilarious in this whole adventure is the death of my ego. My 'stylish ego' mask is dying a rather fast death as I embrace a new way of living. Did I think this is what I would be doing this time last year? Hell no!! Does it feel good to fill my life with as many crazy adventures as I can? Hell yeah!