It is amazing to see the diversity of landscapes we traverse even in this small part of the world, and yet we are not the Third World. It is amazing to see how each journey of each being leads to such different outcomes. As we become just another vehicle that drives by in a traffic jam caused by yet another accident on the spaghetti highway.
Gay Paris. It felt like a threshold to break through. On Monday, we couldn't do it, because there was such a big crash the whole motorway was closed off so we found a plan B. Campsite. Take away pizza. -2 degrees. Full moon, No open toilets. Tuesday, second attempt. As we journeyed around the Peripherique with no drivers giving way to us (we just want to get in the right lane guys so we don't end up lost!), concrete square structures at every view, commercial billboards, graffiti, smoking chimneys, we reminded ourselves that this is apparently 'progress'... We reminded ourselves why we 'think' we are on this journey, although we really don't know why yet (it seems like a good idea!)...
There is is no place to breathe in this old town
There is no place to breathe between these broken walls
There is no space for me to shine,
Without time.
I don't quite know what I make of it all yet. Sure, I am sensitive to my environment, I sometimes wonder why going to the 'city' to 'make it' has never been part of my journey. Perhaps it is because deep down inside I have always known that I need love to survive, and the city environment is one that does not feed my heart with love. I find it hard to love myself when there is such an abundance of fear and 'power over' energy.
On departing the perispherical birth canal of Paris, a final glimpse was caught of the glorious city, on turning my head, there I saw her, La Tour Eiffel. Almost lost from sight, standing proud out of the top of the city-scape. Perhaps a reminder to stand tall and rise above it all.
And now as we enter in to a 5-6 day journey to traverse La France, a country I know well, a home from home, I am confronted with my present feelings. The arising memories of France I have in my pain body. Yet that girl is no longer who I am today. The last time I left my 'home' here 10 years ago. Leaving as a matter of survival. I am confronted at the same time with the hauntings of my past, which at perfect timing invite me to wipe the slate clean for once and for all. How to do this will become clear, I trust.
The arising shadows of the past invite me to remember how to keep in the present. Yet, it is hard to find my centre, my core, me in this foreign land. I am sure this is part of the bigger picture, an invitation to continue breaking my old patterns and conditioning's. Sometimes it feels like one hell of a job to do but I know I am the right woman for the job!
I am now sitting in Ben's living room in Tours, a friend of Sharon's from Holland. I see a Charlie Hebdo newspaper, French novels, and vintage crates full of old Vinyl records. I feel peace. I feel present. I feel happy. I feel so grateful for everything this life has bought me. Even when I am in my fear and sadness of everything I have lost financially and materially from my previous venture in France, I truly believe that these experiences have made me who I am today. I am grateful to be alive and I am so grateful to have been able to see through to my heart. To get the blood pumping though my veins again to find the fire for life, and really start to believe in myself. At the moment, I feel like my fire needs a bit of a stoking, but I am comfortable with that, as this fire feels the effects of the winter season coming to an end.
Vive La France! I am ready to reconcile our differences. I'm not in this 'life game' to play tit-for-tat. I am here for expansion. I am ready to be in new creation. New memories to embrace me with open arms as we venture to the Atlantic, show me your gentilless, your heart, your compassion, your forgiveness. Let down your armour and show me your true colours of amour. Sweet nectar of France and passion for life I welcome you.
Have a great day all, feel the love, feel the fire, get some more fresh wood as we are getting ready to burn!
