Just as my art work has revealed over the last years to be a reflective play of my inner and outer worlds, I have a suspicion that my writings will also be the same.
And so the documentation begins ... and for some reason I am drawn to write about my hair, as it has been an in interesting process for me over the last couple of years, and given that I dreamed about cutting off all my hair again last night, it seems like this is what I need to write about at the beginning of this new journey. It feels like an important reflection to the process that has lead me to where I am now.
Pretty much all of my life I had had long hair. Over the last 5-8 years I had imagined what it would be like to have short hair and always thought I would like to see how curly it could be. But I grew up believing that having long hair was the most beautiful way to have ones hair, and sure I do have nice hair and it does look great long, but this is not the point.
Over that last 10 years I have been on an enormous transformational journey as I began to unpick tangled web of my inner being and start to reconnect the threads to my true self. How to love my self and expand into living a my life for me and in my truth. During this time I had always been afraid of cutting my hair. I think this mainly comes from my conditioning, that beauty comes in having long hair. Does this mean that I am not beautiful or feminine with short hair?
As I have become more in tune with myself, I have been facing more and more of my fears. Diving into deep internal spaces, into the dark and beyond to bring back treasures to shine light onto life.
In my art, in particular The Monochronium collection of work, I see my exploration and healing of my maiden self. The young girl in me that needed to come out and set foot into this world, unafraid of being seen. My hair was also an issue during this time as I disguised myself with black and white wigs. It felt good to change and play with my 'identity'.
In 2013, I began to feel my hair was really not part of me. I remember one night feeling like I needed to get it off my back. Like a heavy weight, a burden of the past that needed to be cut off, lighten my load. I felt like Rapunzel with my long locks, keeping my maiden self locked in the tower, away from exploring the outside world and moving into my fullness as a woman. I needed to cut of the locks and climb out of the tower ...
I began to realise that I was in my 30s and I didn't want to die without 'Living my Hair'!
I first started with some highlights and several inches off, the long brown locks that were now almost to my waist. A few months later the back needed to be chopped off, release my neck, the power point of voice and self expression. From here my hair got shorter and shorter and yet the long hair at the front still kept me safe with the impression of not having 'short hair'. Still something to hide behind maybe?
One evening I came home and I simply had enough. My hair felt a real connection and burden to my conditioning and patterning in life. I wanted to be rid of the fear of having short hair, not being beautiful, regretting my actions etc. What was the worst that could happen? Nothing!
I was on Skype with Sharon and talking with him about the struggles I had had that day and how I felt my life related to my hair. I said I just wanted to chop it off, and he asked me what was stopping me from doing this... And by divine coincidence... there was not much space between me and a pair of scissors that happened to be in sight. The next hour involved a ceremony with Sharon on Skype in my bathroom, as I cut off locks of my hair. I thought I would cry, but it felt amazing to take charge. It felt very symbolic, like crossing another boundary to saying YES to myself, facing fears and jumping into the unknown. To find the places of beauty within myself and not rely on my maiden mask that has been smothering me from being the woman that I am.
Cutting the ties of Ancestral line
Cutting the ties of Maiden vines
Cutting the threads of web
That kept me tied in mind
Carving out a new design
Clearing a new path in time
Creating space for true voice
To express and to shine
A couple of months ago I was watching something on Youtube where a guy spoke about the negative energy we can hold in our hair. I realised that I needed to cut off the energetic years of my past that I carrying around in my hair. It feels good to know now that all the hair on my head has grown during happy years of my life.
This has been part of the process in learning to love my self, to say YES to myself and to enjoy the process of the journey. To feel beautiful despite the length of my hair, which is utterly ridiculous!
Of course people have their hair cut all the time, but for me I see how this process has reflected the inner state of being and helped me on my journey.
The most exciting thing now is that I am growing my hair and it is for my self this time. I feel my hair growing in a different way. Through choice to grow into my full healthy womanhood, in acceptance of myself and in faith of the steps I am taking in my path of life.
Black and white Photography by Danika Westwood
