Enjoy
Does
one ever stop emerging? The final emergence being into the final
breath?
I
keep describing the feeling of coming out, spreading my wings, and
yet somehow this is not true, this is not happening... yet. Each time
I feel a premature opening of the shell that leaves me still inside
to look out through the crack with just one eye, as I find myself
debilitated by this winter just passed. Debilitated or simply in the
melting and surrender of transformation? Only time will tell.
This
winter I have been reminded of the profound lack of self confidence I
had growing up and understanding that the undercurrent of this is...
not loving myself. I am therefore learning to reunite with this part
of me, not disown or cover up and 'just get on with it'. Nothing ever
goes away like that. I am learning to become and own my full self in
order to see the parts of me that I have, in turn, disowned loving.
I
never learned how to love myself, be there for myself. I learned that
I was too much - too sensitive, too emotional – I learned to adapt
and not show my full shine so others 'might' like me. Essentially I
learned to live a lie. This role played out through the years in
constant adapting to others expectations of me, not trusting my inner
compass, believing others knew what was best for me. I attracted
unhealthy relationships with others, with myself and manifested
techniques to suppress my emotions to they could hide somewhere in my
body. But they found other ways of showing themselves.
So
now, I have been visiting these places in order to reclaim them,
transform them, so their unconscious ways of being do not haunt me in
my present life any longer. To visit the past is not to be stuck in
the past. I see it as a voyage of discovery. I take myself on a
journey to find keys to unlock new doors, pathways and passages to
shine light. And upon return, I feel such new energy come in with the
allowing of going in, really in, deep inside. Is it really so much
easier to just stay on the outside? Not for me.
Because
of this, I see that I have not been creating much art over the past
year or so. This is because it has been a real voyage inward. This is
how I work. This is the only way for me. This is where I find the
gems from which I can create a new.
And
so this feels like a letter of confession, of coming out. I am ultra
sensitive to all sorts of energies and emotions, I feel everything. I
make art, I dance, I sing, I watch each day open and close. I am
spiritual – I breathe life. I am joy and I am love. I dive deep
with the call of the sirens of the ocean, I burn toast with the flame
of my dragon fire. These are my gifts. I speak with my pure heart.
It
is from this place that I want to share in my work going forward.
From here I can really give something that feels worthwhile, real and
authentic.
So
this winter, has slowed me down. I have not been very productive at
all, but I feel something moving, transformation perhaps. I
am changing – I don't know how and who knows what expression this
will bring next. I am also learning to not feel guilty for allowing
my own natural process which is not in line with conditioned beliefs
of work, production and showing results.
And so I thank everyone
who has supported the development of my artistic and spiritual
practices so far. I feel a new wave arriving, as I look up from the
bottom of the ocean to see the light flickering on the surface of the
water. I don't know when it will flow will bring me to the shore,
soon perhaps. Until then I can only feel what I need to share of my
process of creation, and this is indeed part of it.
I have previously talked
about how I work with inner and outer landscapes, so I guess this
time of melting into spaces within is part of my current research.
Thank you and here's to
all the emerging souls in everyone.
