Held By The Trees

Our caravan makes a circle with four other trees. They hold the circle for us. There is a trine of rose quartz and the fourth holds a death / transformation alter. The canopy of branches reaches down to embrace our little home in its arms. We feel held. We feel safe.

On the second day we were here, we wanted to find a nice spot for our caravan. We thought it would be nicely situated between two other trees further up the path. After spending one night there, we woke up, put the blinds up and felt the energy of the tree outside. It was not happy. We thought that maybe it was an unhappy tree due to the corking that it had undergone. On opening the other window and observing the other tree, it also felt unhappy. There trees felt like they could drop a heavy branch on us if the opportunity of wind arose. Then the feeling came in that they were not happy because of us. It was like they enjoyed the space between them, they enjoyed being next to each other as friends, and we had just come and put our caravan there! I really felt this intrusion into nature. So we moved and thus found our sacred circle.

The big indigenous trees here in Portugal are the Cork Oak. Harvested for their cork very 10-15 years. It is a prime capital harvest from the land. When their bark is removed it is known as 'skinning'. The vision of anything being skinned invokes a sickening feeling, and I have this too with these trees. Walking and driving around the landscape, the trees are numbered to indicate which year they were skinned and to know their next skinning year. Some trees look too young for this. Many have cork taken from them above and beyond the legal line on the trunk. These trees feel so different from trees that have never been touched. Whilst out on a hike the other day, we found a few trees that had never been skinned and they looked incredible. Full, vibrant, happy and healthy compared to their comrades on the adjacent field who appeared as slaves. For some great Oaks, this is too much and they die before their time.

As we sleep and awaken each day in the embrace of our tree circle, nature is doing its work. Just by being here, I cannot help but observe at every glance the wilderness, pure wild life-force enlivening my senses 24/7. As I am relaxing into my surroundings, the more I feel the vibration of this land. Its pretty hard to avoid to be honest!

I feel held by nature I feel welcomed by mother earth, I feel invited to dive into the deep current of pure life. Real life. In saying 'yes' to this invitation, I am beginning to feel the 'oneness' that is so often talked about in 'spiritual' books and teachings. I never though this could be so true. To feel such a deep connection to the wild.

And so the trees are here. And I feel them so much. I feel their support and unconditional love.

The other day, I felt a big anger rising inside of me. This is an ongoing subject for me since about 8 months, as I pealed back another internal layer and realised that I had been suppressing my anger for pretty much all my life. So there is a lot to be released! I am learning where it is coming from, where it is in my body, what my triggers are, and how to feel and allow a healthy anger to be expressed within myself, no longer suppressing.

After shouting in a princess rage, with the deep source feeling like a patterning from the past. I sat in a huff eating an orange. I could feel the need to release arising. I felt drawn to go over to the other side outside the circle. The top of the land that leads into the valley. From here I could see far across the misty morning landscape. From here I could scream. My conditioned mind was still trying to stop me, 'No you can't do that! You can't just scream out loud, what a fool of yourself you will make'. But again I felt the land would hold me, and it did. Three large, long screams from deep inside. Over the valley, into the bushes and trees. Taken from me and given back to the land. Such and incredible feeling. It felt like nature could take it. She is so powerful here, she can take me. Here mother Earth has the strength to hold me. It does not feel the same as if I would shout at a concrete surrounded tree in a city.

The invitation was not over at the final scream. There was more. After the verbal expression, the second round of anger came in a wave of a need to express physically. I was trusting my intuition. I wanted to beat the hell out of the bushes in front of me. But I thought, 'I could not do this, this is not the 'done thing' to do!'. I did it. I paced across the tree circle to the pile of branches, found my weapon and went back to the bushes and beat them. Such rage, such force, such anger releasing from deep within. I stopped to tune into the nature, she could take it. She took it for me. She was saying 'yes' to me.

Then I turned round and beat the ground, as the branch was breaking into small pieces, I took each broken piece and kept beating until it was all gone. Adrenalin. Release. From inside I could feel doors unlocking to my seat of fire.

Then came the silence. The sorrow. Down to the ground she absorbed the tears that came from deep inside my belly.

I thanked her.

I find it hard to describe what happened. But it was pure. What an such a powerful experience to feel so held and loved. The feeling that the nature was there for me, she could absorb my pain, taking my anger and dissolving it back into pure life. 

Wow. The invitation to experience my suppressed anger I have never aloud myself to show or express for fear of being abandoned or not being loved if I show everything I need to express as it moves through me. Nature does not abandon me. My true nature does not abandon me, and with Mother nature I am guided back to experience my true wild self in authenticity. On the road to who I really am ... finally.

I am humbled by the power. I am humbled by these wise old trees that still stand here and welcome me with open arms. Inviting me to show my wild self. Letting me know I will still be loved if I show myself. That it is okay to be angry. That there is space for me too.

Nature is such a powerful force. I am drawn in. She hold me. I melt. I am experiencing natural life like never before here, and from here it will go beyond.

Love Living?

Whilst stuck in a traffic jam on the Parisian Peripherique yesterday, we gave an organic cereal bar to a man who lived in a shack situated on a patch of green between 4 motorway highways weaving around and over each other. The sides of his dwelling were an amazing collection of thousands of coloured plastic bottles. He thanked us and said he wished he had a caravan like ours to sleep in. Parisian life?

It is amazing to see the diversity of landscapes we traverse even in this small part of the world, and yet we are not the Third World. It is amazing to see how each journey of each being leads to such different outcomes. As we become just another vehicle that drives by in a traffic jam caused by yet another accident on the spaghetti highway.

Gay Paris. It felt like a threshold to break through. On Monday, we couldn't do it, because there was such a big crash the whole motorway was closed off so we found a plan B. Campsite. Take away pizza. -2 degrees. Full moon, No open toilets. Tuesday, second attempt. As we journeyed around the Peripherique with no drivers giving way to us (we just want to get in the right lane guys so we don't end up lost!), concrete square structures at every view, commercial billboards, graffiti, smoking chimneys, we reminded ourselves that this is apparently 'progress'... We reminded ourselves why we 'think' we are on this journey, although we really don't know why yet (it seems like a good idea!)...

There is is no place to breathe in this old town
There is no place to breathe between these broken walls
There is no space for me to shine,
Without time.

I don't quite know what I make of it all yet. Sure, I am sensitive to my environment, I sometimes wonder why going to the 'city' to 'make it' has never been part of my journey. Perhaps it is because deep down inside I have always known that I need love to survive, and the city environment is one that does not feed my heart with love. I find it hard to love myself when there is such an abundance of fear and 'power over' energy.

On departing the perispherical birth canal of Paris, a final glimpse was caught of the glorious city, on turning my head, there I saw her, La Tour Eiffel. Almost lost from sight, standing proud out of the top of the city-scape. Perhaps a reminder to stand tall and rise above it all.

And now as we enter in to a 5-6 day journey to traverse La France, a country I know well, a home from home, I am confronted with my present feelings. The arising memories of France I have in my pain body. Yet that girl is no longer who I am today. The last time I left my 'home' here 10 years ago. Leaving as a matter of survival. I am confronted at the same time with the hauntings of my past, which at perfect timing invite me to wipe the slate clean for once and for all. How to do this will become clear, I trust.

The arising shadows of the past invite me to remember how to keep in the present. Yet, it is hard to find my centre, my core, me in this foreign land. I am sure this is part of the bigger picture, an invitation to continue breaking my old patterns and conditioning's. Sometimes it feels like one hell of a job to do but I know I am the right woman for the job!

I am now sitting in Ben's living room in Tours, a friend of Sharon's from Holland. I see a Charlie Hebdo newspaper, French novels, and vintage crates full of old Vinyl records. I feel peace. I feel present. I feel happy. I feel so grateful for everything this life has bought me. Even when I am in my fear and sadness of everything I have lost financially and materially from my previous venture in France, I truly believe that these experiences have made me who I am today. I am grateful to be alive and I am so grateful to have been able to see through to my heart. To get the blood pumping though my veins again to find the fire for life, and really start to believe in myself. At the moment, I feel like my fire needs a bit of a stoking, but I am comfortable with that, as this fire feels the effects of the winter season coming to an end.

Vive La France! I am ready to reconcile our differences. I'm not in this 'life game' to play tit-for-tat. I am here for expansion. I am ready to be in new creation. New memories to embrace me with open arms as we venture to the Atlantic, show me your gentilless, your heart, your compassion, your forgiveness. Let down your armour and show me your true colours of amour. Sweet nectar of France and passion for life I welcome you.

Have a great day all, feel the love, feel the fire, get some more fresh wood as we are getting ready to burn!